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Depressed and Well-Dressed

Everyone has bad days

It feels really strange for me to be doing this right now. Mainly because it’s something I am very passionate about, getting mental health out there and more widely spoken about .But also because this is opening up and actually admitting to myself that I have/had mental health difficulties.

Everybody has rough days. Most of the time these are triggered by something that has happened maybe that day or in the weeks before; But the difference between just ‘having a bad day’ and a mental health condition, as outlined by boards such as the World Health Organization in 2018 is for example for depression, more than just a one off, a period of up to two weeks of “having bad days” will lead towards that diagnosis.

This obviously is only one part of getting a diagnosis, alongside losing the sense of enjoyment in activities you used to find fun, lacking motivation and feeling a general emotional numbness. Other symptoms can include lack of sleep or oversleeping and overeating or not eating enough.

But instead of me listing all of these symptoms of depression off like I’m actually writing a manuscript for W.H.O., I’m going to discuss how some of my mental health difficulties have come about and their effects on me.

Without an official diagnosis, I would claim that I have experienced anxiety at a moderate level throughout university and graduate life, and I have suffered depression on and off over the course of four years, beginning during my second year of university, when I started taking the pill for the first time and had my first really painful breakup, alongside a lot of heavy partying and late nights. At the time I was working a lot of night shifts in a job which was commission only; it was very stressful as you didn’t know how much money you might come home with. I also had a mixture of hormones inside me and throughout the space of almost two years I had tried 7 different contraceptive pills.

My First Panic Attack

I remember my first panic attack.

I had finished a shift working as a shot girl and come home with next to nothing, I’d wasted four hours to earn about £1.20 and it was the worst shift I had ever had. I had been having some relationship problems at the time too. The guy I had been dating had been very distant with me as of recent and I was suddenly feeling a lot lonelier than I ever had done at uni. He had told me just before my last exam that he had not gotten into uni in my city and so when he went to uni we could not see each other anymore. It was only a matter of weeks before things ended in a messy manner anyway and I experienced my first heartbreak. Things just sometimes don’t work out with people and whilst you might understand the practical reasons for it, it can be hard to not let your emotions get the better of you when someone you trusted lets you down.

I was messaging my mum and crying to her about my awful shift at work, and the boy I had been seeing stopped responding to my messages.

I just felt a completely overwhelming feeling of fear as I sat on my bed crying. I found that my sobs turned to pants and I struggled to take a breath. I couldn’t stop the feeling of panic rising within me, I felt my heart thumping under my shirt and it took me a long time to eventually slow down my breathing and fall asleep.

I have since continued to have panic attacks and over the course of my second year of uni I had them regularly. I had a teeming social life at the time and so I found that drinking usually set them off, either when I was drunk or after feeling depressed for a few days after a heavy sesh I would feel a dark cloud over me.

My studies also set my panic attacks off. They made me withdraw from studying as the more I stressed the more often I had them. I got distracted by dealing with a broken heart from something which wasn’t even a relationship. And I found that often putting down my books or switching off my laptop and confiding in my closest friends over a meal or spending a night out together would keep me distracted from the feelings of misery and panic that resided in me a lot during those days. I have to thank my friends for really being there for me during that time as I pushed almost everyone away and spent the majority of my time lying in bed with the dark cloud hanging over my head; feeling a failure because I had left all my assignments until the last minute and a boy I had loved did not love me back.

I remember those being some very depressing days.

I remember lying in bed with my entire body feeling numb, feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I didn’t feel there was any reason for me to exist and I watched as I struggled to move on from a toxic relationship and resorted to being unable to crawl out of bed, to waking up in the early hours of the afternoon, and neglecting my studies for a night out where I would get so drunk I would pray to feel happy and forget everything for a few hours. I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed for food or to shower. I remember some of my friends coming over and just lying in bed listening to them enjoying themselves and me being unable to pull myself down the stairs to join in because I was entirely convinced that none of them wanted me there. That I was just someone who they pretended to like and put up with if anything. I even remember having a panic attack in the shower because I was so worried they would hear me moving around and my housemates would think I was ignoring them.

I would say that this was one of the worst times of my life; I would compare it to feeling like I had been sinking into a pit of quicksand for the past two months and it felt like there was no way out.

I look back at this and see how much stronger I am now, and I have to thank this period of my life for giving me the opportunity to discover some of my favourite bands including The Smiths and The Arctic Monkeys whom I listened to continuously whilst lying in my bed too depressed to do anything else. It didn’t take much longer into 2017 before I met someone else who was very supportive, and I also had my first counselling session with the University counselling services. Then the dark cloud slowly began to lift.

Start Talking and Be Kind

I think it’s important to recognise that if something is making you feel this way no matter how small you might make it out to be, it is important to speak to someone about it and get help. There is only so far down you can go before these depressive and anxious feelings begin to create a cycle which drag you down even further, and to get out of that I found required an trained outsider’s help, alongside mindfulness.

I think people find it hard to relate to words such as depression and anxiety a lot of the time, because it feels like admitting that you have a condition, that something is medically wrong with you. Even writing this and knowing how I have been feeling, I feel guilty and like an attention-seeking con, and I have to keep fighting the thoughts that other people have much worse problems and more reasons to be feeling depressed.

But this is part of the toxic reason why people do not get help. Why people do not speak out or talk to their friends and family or seek professional help. This is part of the way that we can impact mental health, by talking about it. Talk as you normally would about maybe the weather or your plans for the weekend. Talking is the stepping stone to seeking help. I find it can be incredibly helpful to write out how I am feeling sometimes and read it back, because then I feel a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. So why don’t we do the same with conversations? I know I feel ashamed to talk to most of the people in my life about everything when I am struggling, I don’t want to seem like a dead weight or like I’m seeking attention. However the saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ certainly rings true to me.

And listening is just as important to destigmatizing mental health. Check in on friends you haven’t heard from in awhile, or understand that friend whose been cancelling on you probably is having their own problems rather than it being because they don’t like you. Talking about mental health goes both ways, problems need to be equally shared between people and if the weight is too much or you have been struggling in quick sand then it is important to realise that the best thing to do is speak to a professional.

The aim really is to treat yourself as you would treat someone else if they told you they felt low or anxious. You deserve to be loved and be happy too. You would do anything you could to help your friend if they felt like that, so why should you not treat yourself in the same way?

Be kind to others and to yourself.

(I hope this wasn’t too awful to read for a first attempt at a blog. If anybody has actually read this and wants to ask me a question or anything else at all you can email me at:

emily.sarge2396@gmail.com

thanks for listening, please leave me a comment if you managed to stick through all of that!

Depressed and Well Dressed-

Blog 8!

2020 UPDATE-

It has been awhile since I’ve written on this blog. My new job has been really full on and stressful, I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and think about how I feel or what I want to do.

I’ve been lucky enough to have gotten signed onto sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy at the moment, which are every two weeks. Of course with the current pandemic, these are telephone appointments. I was sceptical at first this would be enough for me to make huge changes in my attitude. However I am slowly beginning to make progress. The main reason I sought CBT was because of the unhealthy and frankly disturbing negative automatic thoughts I seem to have on a daily basis. I know that it is not normal the minute plans get changed or someone has a disagreement with you for your mind to jump to ‘I should just die’ or ‘I don’t want to be here’ as a response. This in turn was leaving me spiralling into unhealthy behaviours; I’d lie in bed for hours, thirsty, hungry or needing the loo and seldom do anything about it. I’ve been struggling to take care of myself.

I’m still on Propranolol for my anxiety. It seems to have really helped. Whenever I can feel my heart racing or I begin to feel breathless at work I know I can deal with it. I’ve had my dosage changed as the chemists have actually been giving me less of a dosage than is normal for anxiety. However, I tend to avoid taking it too often, as I’ve recently began to feel tired all the time. I’ve also had the added joy of nightmares – just one cheeky side effect of my medication –big woop. There’s only so long you can dream Pennywise is coming to eat you before it leaves you with a fear of clowns so I tend to handle my anxiety without meds as much as I can!

The reason I’ve gotten CBT is that I know that just medication isn’t going to prevent my negative thinking patterns; it will just cover them up until I come off medication. I know that I need medication to help me function whilst transitioning into the new role I have at my new job, which is very high pressure, and requires me to work a variety of day and night shifts. I have been finding work extremely mentally draining recently. I’ve been struggling to take proper care of myself, but I am trying my best.

Listening to people dealing with big things which are affecting their day to day life, or concentrating for 12 hours straight knowing that any decision you make could make a huge difference to the outcome and affect actual peoples’ lives is a lot of responsibility. I feel that I am coping with work, but when I come home or have scheduled time off, I am finding it hard to switch off or do anything that would be of benefit to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel cut out for my role at work. I get triggered sometimes by topics close to my heart.

The last week

I’ve recently been experiencing a dip in my mood over the last couple of days. I drank a bottle of wine and when I woke up the next day I felt the worst mentally that I have in months. I felt empty and numb, and like I just would have rather been asleep than been conscious of anything going on around me. I need to work on my irritability when I’m feeling this way. Because of how uncomfortable I feel I tend to snap at people I love. This in turn makes that person think they have done something wrong and it makes me feel shit.

I made the decision not to go out drinking again last night because of how overwhelmed I am feeling.

Why can I not distinguish between looking after myself and feeling like my mental health is stopping me doing the things I love?

My progress so far

I’ve been learning to keep a diary of negative automatic thoughts that I have, so that these can be challenged. I’ve found out that by doing this when I look at the majority of these thoughts I have, such as ‘I’m a shit friend’ or ‘I’m a bad girlfriend’ or even ‘I’m a bad person’ are not backed by much evidence. I write for and against each one, and talk through them one by one. One positive is that likely thanks to my degree in psychology I’ve been able to recognise that I’m mentally unwell. I know that these thoughts aren’t normal and that I need help. By recognising these thoughts and testing them against the bare facts, it has allowed me to try look at a less negative option than simply ‘I’m an awful human being’.

It’s not easy, it takes time and effort. But that moment where my therapist asked me to write the column for ‘write what are the facts for you being a bad friend’ and I could barely label anything made me feel a lot more at ease. One important thing to do (and it sounds super cheesy) is to imagine what you would say to your friend if they felt this way.

Another tool that has helped, is this list of thinking styles/patterns my therapist has provided me. Whenever I feel myself slipping into one, I read the list and try to see if I am fitting any of the criteria.

A few types include-

Mental filter– We dismiss things in life that don’t fit into a thought we are having in order to strengthen it. We devalue positive information in order to accommodate negative thinking styles. It can lead to people feeling hopeless.

Mind Reading– We assume that we know what other people are thinking, usually about us. (That one is kind of self explanatory).

Shoulds and Musts– Putting yourself own because you are holding yourself to the standards of a person that does not exist. You treat yourself harshly because you don’t do certain tasks and this can cause you to feel depressed. I know I definitely struggle at times with setting myself unrealistic expectations.

Catastrophising– This is one I have discussed previously. I have found previously that it was this style of thinking which triggers me to have a panic attack. Now I am finding it can cause me to feel mentally overwhelmed and send me into a depressive state/episode where I feel unable to cope with any task no matter how minute or basic.

Critical Self– Putting yourself down, self criticism, blaming yourself for events/situations which aren’t entirely in our control.

These are just a handful of unhelpful thinking styles researched by Carol Vivyan, 2009. (See the link for more). I find that from time to time I fit into every one of them. To an extent I think that everyone does. But as everything when looking at mental health, it is when those thoughts begin to cause maladaptive reactions and effect our ability to cope that makes them a problem.

Click to access UnhelpfulThinkingHabitsWithAlternatives.pdf

Learning to stop burning the candle at both ends-

I’m finding that my negative thoughts such as ‘I don’t want to be here’ are starting to creep back in, it is distressing but in the same way I feel numb to them. They’re unwanted and I will push them back again. I’m optimistic things will get better. They had completely disappeared for a while, but upon reflecting I believe this was because I have not stopped for months. I am one for burning the candle at both ends, and I often feel low when I have no plans and I am left to my own devices. This is a step back from last year which I will be patient with myself about. I have learned not to allow a relationship to control my happiness a lot better and to still be my own person.

I am working on being ok doing nothing, and having motivation for the things that are important which I am going to strive to work on. I am also working on communication, especially with my boyfriend. How can he be there for me if I don’t explain how I am feeling? He doesn’t need to fix me or make me better, as long as he understands, that is all that matters. He won’t read this but I am really glad to have found someone as great as him. We can both be honest with each other and support one another whilst having our own lives too. It’s mad to think it has only been a year since I matched him and we went on our first date.

One issue which I feel like I had been struggling with was getting back into modelling after being dropped without so much as a word by a brand from modelling for a clothing line last year. They really shook my confidence. I was speaking to a friend and photographer about this as he asked me if I had ever thought about becoming a professional model. I explained the situation and how this encounter had put me off achieving this. And he said something which really resonated with me- Fuck.Them. -Who are they to decide my worth? If they want to drop me then I should be going out there and making them see my worth, what they have let go. I have started to push myself to look for shoots to be a part of again, even if on a free basis it is me gathering my confidence back again.

Whilst it can be easy to give up, there is nothing to gained, I understand this now.

I haven’t got a podcast or an app this time to discuss (I’ve been lazy/busy if that’s a thing). But I can really recommend the technique I have learned in CBT. When you have a negative thought, what are for and against arguments for this? Please remember I have had to have the process explained to me and am going through the steps, so if it seems hard/impossible to do alone then please reach out for help. I’m hoping that the more I follow this process the more I will be able to come to accurate conclusions rather than skewed ones. I believe that is the next step which I will discuss with my therapist during our next session.

Stay safe x

Depressed and Well-Dressed Blog #7

Quarantine and Mental Health

I’m going to start by saying there are some tough topics I cover here – so if you are in anyway feeling depressed or suicidal or anxious, please come back and read this at a better time for you. You can also speak to a trained mental health volunteer by texting SHOUT to 85258 (if you’re in the UK).

Best wishes to everyone at this current time of uncertainty, and praying that everyone’s family, friends and loved ones are safe. It has been ages since I wrote a blog I will admit. I have to be honest -I lost the motivation to write for a long time. It was probably a mix of a stressful new job and learning the ropes, alongside suffering with anxiety and ultimately, I felt as if I was no longer writing this blog for my own benefit, and thanks to the curse that is social media I felt as if I would be judged by what I said here and there was some expectations for me to fulfil.

I’ve largely remained unmotivated to write at all ever since coming to this realisation. Me not writing and posting it is important to note, is no indication of my mental health or how I have been managing. It certainly doesn’t mean I am ‘fixed’ and no longer depressed. I would say I am no longer clinically depressed for the time being. However I still have up and down periods, with the current situation the feelings of hopelessness that come with depression have been amplified.

In some ways though, I have felt a sense of calm. The expectations laid upon me by society and myself have been relaxed and forgotten for the time being. I have been off work for two weeks with suspected coronavirus, which was nasty for awhile but I have recovered and it has been ten or so days since I showed any symptoms, and unlike the news that’s out there I am feeling better physically.

CORONAVIRUS *in Cardi-B’s voice*

Something very strange happened whilst I was ill. I had a slight fever which was not even recordable for a couple of days but was enough to get me sent home from work. I felt full of anxiety during this time, I could barely sit in bed without feeling like the guilt was going to eat me up. I felt guilty and like everyone around me felt I was being a hypochondriac, trying to get time off like some sort of skiver. This was really not the case. This mindset lasted until three days prior to my initial symptoms. I decided to clean my bathroom with bleach as I couldn’t sit around feeling anxious all the time. After I had done this I found that my chest was tight and I’d developed a cough and generally felt unwell. Putting it down to bleach inhalation I then spent the next 24 hours attacking myself internally about what an idiot I had been to do that. However, after reaching a stage where I felt too unwell to leave bed, and had to sleep proper up with a hot water bottle on my chest; my chest was tight and painful constantly, and I was stressed I would stop breathing if I slept lying down- my anxiety seemed to dissipate about what others thought of me! What really escalated the issue was the major anxiety I’m dealing with. Anxiety can make me feel breathless and overly in tune to my body’s sensations as it is, let alone with having pain whilst breathing too!

But what is super unhealthy about this is I was almost willing myself to feel sicker in the initial days, so that my guilt and anxiety about what others and I thought of me would dissipate. And it actually largely did once I was really sick.

Two weeks on, and I am feeling much better. I have had the opportunity to sleep a lot which has certainly helped speed my recovery. I’ve spent time sunbathing and rediscovering what I actually did before responsibilities of adult life- I’ve spent time doing home workouts, listening to music I’d forgot existed, sketching and reading. Whilst my usually overactive mind is racing with things to be done I had no need to complete anything. It’s taught me that its okay to be bored occasionally, and your brain sometimes needs a bit of time to just be! I guess this is the reason Mindfulness has become so popular, as it is a disguised form of boredom which makes people feel as if they’re being productive and looking after themselves. It feels like another achievement to tick off your list for the day of things done. Sitting and doing nothing possibly outside if you have access to a garden or a nice view out a window with just some music or in silence works just as well or at least this is what I have found.

My concerns don’t stop there~

I realised that since I have come down with three serious-ish diseases in the past 12 months, maybe there is more I could do to help my body? I know that I punish myself sometimes. And I know I am doing it, and sickeningly it almost makes me feel better. Sometimes I will punish myself in my head if I want to eat something unhealthy until I feel so down and depressed I will binge eat unhealthy food. Then I will try compromise by rationing my portion the next day and say horrible totally untrue things in my head about how my boyfriend wont love me if I’m fat, or how I wonder why I never get scouted to model by agencies. This behaviour worries me greatly.

This is just part of daily life so much that I don’t really notice that I do these things. With the current climate and quarantine effectively having been a month long for myself, and separated from most of my loved ones I have found what I eat to be one method to control some aspect of my life, when it feels as if so many others have been taken away from me. I feel this is concerning behaviour I’m displaying.

Anxiety and stress has been shown to affect your immune system. Your lymphocyte function is correlated with stress and depression levels, therefore affecting your antibodies that are produced and reducing their efficacy (Leonard & Song, 1996). This means you are more at risk to facing diseases and illnesses and being more unwell with them. I know I struggle to fight off illnesses sometimes, and they tend to have a greater effect on me than a lot of people my age. I believed this to be due to alcohol consumption, but since I have been on medication for anxiety (leaving me unable to drink really at all) it leaves me looking for other explanations.

It’s okay to be unhappy (sometimes)

A month or so ago, my anxiety had reached an all-time high. I couldn’t wake up in the morning without feeling a dry throat and an incoming headache. I felt like I could barely get out of bed as I was shattered, let alone spend all day at work mixing with people and doing a good job, and learning a whole new profession at the same time. It’s safe to say most of my mental health issues are triggered by some major change in my life whether it positive or negative. My social anxiety has been pretty bad recently which I find hard to understand as I am usually an outgoing person who you’ll struggle to shut up. I felt myself starting to distance from my new friends at work as I couldn’t understand how they appeared to be handling everything so well with no hiccups. I began to have internal thoughts where I would see them as meeting up without me as them secretly hating me and this led me to put up my walls and back away. Doing this instead of just talking to them about how I was feeling led me to feel even more isolated.

Part Two of my concerns (oops)~

I’ve felt as if I have been putting a hell of a lot of pressure onto my boyfriend lately. I am so grateful for his help when I have rough times especially since the unlucky bugger has only been with me four months! I am really struggling to let go of previous unhealthy relationship habits which seem to try to come out of the woodwork whenever there’s conflict. I guess it is just unlearning things which you used as a defence mechanism as they no longer serve a purpose. It will probably take me some more time, as I feel very confused about how to behave in a relationship just because of my life having changed so dramatically with my new career.

I feel pressure to try and be more cheerful; it is not something my boyfriend even asks of me or ever would, my head tells me he is going to leave me if I don’t be there emotionally for him as he has for me. Or if I don’t just cheer up for once and be positive. I’m scared of pushing him away with my worries. My head also tells me I need to give him space to deal with his own issues and cope with quarantine and not interfere or push my problems onto him. These are two hugely conflicting thoughts to have, and this is probably why I am so confused as of how to act. I’ve found myself either reaching to him when I can’t cope or distancing myself and not speaking. I worry a lot about how to behave, I think it is because I have never been in a relationship where there are no games to be played, and we find it easy to be honest with one another. It a bizarre concept to me to find myself, and my brain doesn’t know what to do now my previous methods of behaviour no longer suffice.

This type of love feels more peaceful. I feel as if I can count on him to be there for me and we can be honest. I say this without any malice or bitterness to my previous boyfriends or without an air of expectation for my current boyfriend to hold himself to. I’m simply stating that I feel as if this type of love ultimately brings me more happiness and once I have gotten to grips with my new job, I feel like I will be a lot more confident. It’s been a month since we saw each other with us being separately quarantined, so I must be doing something right for him to still be interested!!

Too Tired to be Crazy

I listened to a great podcast today which inspired me to write once again. It was called ‘Too Tired to be Crazy’ with Violet Benson. If you have an iPhone, it is available on the Podcast app thats pre-downloaded on your phone! (And it’s freeeeee). The episode which inspired me was number 20- entitled ‘I Don’t Wanna Be Sad Anymore’. Violet talked about how she has been feeling depressed recently. She looked back on the way she felt a few years back when she was clinically depressed. She read a very poignant poem which she wrote at that time, which brought tears to my eyes. It was very touching but the main reason I cried upon hearing it was because I could relate to it in so many ways and this both scared and shocked me. Hearing her having written some of the thoughts which have too often floated around my head and reading them as her own experience made me feel less alone. It allowed me to do what someone who is mentally ill is always convinced to try and do- to try and think about how you would feel if your friend came to you, saying the unkind things your own brain says to you but they were saying it about themselves. You would be horrified to hear them say they woke up some mornings wanting to not exist, but why am I always totally fine with saying that to myself within the confines of my own head???

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/too-tired-to-be-crazy/id1459685850?i=1000448666418

For Now

There is nothing shameful about speaking out. And if you feel that you don’t want to talk to friends and family about what you are going through, it can be easier to speak to a stranger. Put yourself on a waiting list for a counsellor or like I have done- for an IAPT worker so I can access CBT when it is my turn. Alternatively for need in a crisis, the Samaritans are contactable or SHOUT whose number features at the very top of my blog post. If your life is in danger, please dial 999.

For now, I am on Propanolol, which has helped with the symptoms of anxiety which lead to a flare up. I feel calmer and I am no longer able to react to a fast beating heart or shortness of breath with a sense of urgency, therefore stopping my catastrophising mind in its tracks. This largely prevents a panic attack. The next step will be changing my outlook, medication is only a short term solution for me. I am determined to be able to manage without it, but there is no shame in needing to be on medication. I am proud of myself for seeking the help that I so clearly need, and for being honest enough to hold my hands up and say actually, you know what I’m not doing okay. I’m not coping. That is one of the strongest things I believe I’ve ever done.

Thanks for reading, and I will try and make my updates more regular. 🙂 Stay safe everyone xo

Depressed and Well-Dressed- Blog #6

Blog 6 – Looking back isn’t always healthy.

How Things Are

It’s been a few months since my last blog post and there are a few reasons for that. Number one I’ve sort of taken a break from a lot of things recently. I’ve been on a break from modelling since November and it feels good to just feel like you’ve got control over a part of your life which can sometimes get away from you. I love modelling and meeting people and getting to wear the clothes etc, but I find it really hard not to compare myself to other models. Models who are signed who are younger than me, models who have built their own business and influence in half the time I’ve even been modelling. Even small things you think wouldn’t affect you like a company you modelled with ghosting you when you can’t organise a time have affected me quite a bit.

But I am trying to remember there is no point burning yourself out for something which you do for fun!

As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters

I’m currently in the middle of a bad hangover (shock) and feeling a bit sorry for myself. So after my show I was watching finished my room fell silent and I put my phone down and your mind then can start to wander.

Usually the world is so noisy and I add to the noise and keep my head busy to drown out things that I might feel. This is no way to live though because as soon as you stop for a moment whether that be in the name of self care, illness or a hangover, everything comes back to haunt you. If you don’t begin to change things it is very easy to fall into the trap and sometimes I end up in bed depressed, thirsty or hungry but lacking in motivation to move.

I am really good at beating myself up about things especially when hungover and feeling like a slob, on a Sunday evening before work starts again tomorrow (classic Sunday vibes).

But I am trying to remind myself that I am only human and as long as I am trying my hardest and being kind to myself then I needn’t try to impress anyone else if it doesn’t make me happy. Some problems I used to lament in 2018 and 2019 have withered into insignificance. I might find myself reading back through my notes or looking at drafted blog entries from darker times in my life and find that I reopen the box of feelings I felt at the time. Or I can read about a problem I was facing and think ‘how did you not see the solution you idiot?’ when it appears to be clear as day.

2020- The year of being happier

So as we’ve come into 2020 I will have so many things happen in the next ten years. I can safely say that things at the moment are better. I am better than I was in 2019 and I will try my hardest to not listen to the little voice in my head in those moments of quiet which can whisper ‘you’re not worth it’ , luckily I have found myself blessed with a few people I feel I can reach out to if I am feeling low. I try to treat myself as they treat me. So it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel good for this reason.

My Worries

My main concerns at the moment seem to be around doing a good job in my new role at work, I have a lot more responsibility in my job and it’s important to me that I keep on the ball with things. Also after Christmas I have found that I’ve gained some winter weight (don’t we all) and I keep mentally saying really unkind things to myself. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up but it can be hard especially when my Instagram is littered with girls with perfect bodies. I am worried if I try to go back to modelling it will affect my opportunities and self worth too. This is one area where I am trying hard not to look back, at photos where I was skinny and maybe more attractive or where I had bigger boobs from the pill but mentally I was going through so much turmoil. A picture can’t show you what a person is really feeling or experiencing. The hundreds of photographs with friends on nights out where mentally I was feeling like shit will testify to that.

I am also worried about being in a relationship in a way. It’s fun and exciting and I have never known someone to treat me so well or that has made me feel things so early on. I think that this is the scary bit. I don’t want to mess it up.

Invasion

Going back to not focusing on the past too often, I uncovered a poem I had written back in November. I was going through a dark time and I wrote it as a release from my state of depression.

I’ve toyed with the thought of sharing it on my blog for quite some time. But I think it would be more beneficial to share it. For my sake and for that of others perhaps? It would help me to know that I had made sense of depression at its worst and explain how it can sometimes make me feel.

NOTE: TRIGGER WARNING– this poem is about depressive thoughts and cycles I sometimes enter during this time. I want to make it clear that I am in no danger in any way even given the content of the poem, I was in a rough place and thankfully it is somewhere I seldom visit anymore. I will put that it shouldn’t be viewed if you are feeling depressed, suicidal or if you feel it will upset you.

Invasion

Empty rooms and quiet hours

A ringing in my ear

Left alone with my thoughts

That I cannot overpower.

Bleak and dreary like a winters day

Chilly and a painful sharpness

Like a knife made of ice

Piercing my chest where I lay.

A blackness darker than the depths of the sea

Sweeping up to my spine from the chest

Enveloping me entirely.

Loathing and acceptance overwhelmingly

Why are you here?

What is your purpose supposed to be?

You’re not good enough for X Y or Z

You weren’t enough for any of them and you’re not even adequate to me.

None of the people whomst you hold so dear

So much as would glance your way if you disappeared.

Oh so you thought you were better?

You thought it was time to see?

To breathe?

To dream?

To live?

You were mistaken.

You’re always wrong.

And now here he stands

Back to wail his song,

Claims his place where he belongs.

Sitting in your chest like a coiled up spring

It begins to unfold and eat you up from within.

But what do you have to be depressed about?

She’s got a job,

Money

A house.

A loving family who would do anything for her.

Some people don’t even have that

Ungrateful and selfish that’s what she is.

Makes everything up

She’s taking the piss.

Looking for attention

That’s what they say

Well I wonder if things went south

If they would change their ways.

Life could be worse.

Is this a way to live?

Without thriving without learning,

With nothing to give.

So it returns

Like a black ball of coal nestled in the centre of the chest.

There’s no shaking him off this time,

No games or test.

The inkiness like the night sky

Enveloping the stars in its murky veil.

You can’t just throw a diagnosis about

Didn’t they teach you that in your degree?

That one you fucked around with

Thanks to late nights and anxiety.

You’re just an attention seeker

There’s nothing wrong with you.

You know this will affect your job record.

You’ve fucked that up too.

What really is the purpose of you?

Why are you crying?

Your tears are pointless,

I thought you were supposed to be numb?

And you call yourself fearless.

Looking Back

Sometimes, it can be healthy to look back at how you felt. I feel it is useful to remind you of how far you have come. When it begins to affect your present and subsequently your future self this is when it enters into useless behaviour. You begin lamenting a person you are not anymore or how you could have done things differently. All you can do is try to be better. So throw away those unimportant items you might have kept for sentiments sake, delete the photographs and clear your notes on your phone.

If anyone has been affected by anything I have talked about or the poem itself please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK, or please check this list from Mind of hotlines who are contactable-

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/#.XhtsnEqYTIU

Depressed and Well-Dressed- Blog #5

Learning to Say No.

NOTE- Trigger warning- mention of suicide in the last paragraph- If you are feeling suicidal or that this won’t be a good thing for you to read please come back and read my post when you are in a better place xoxo

I feel like this has been one of the most important lessons that 2019 has taught me. Boundaries have been set this year which I could never have put out in the world or even seen myself doing.

Boundaries are such an important way to be kind to yourself. In the past I have let situations get out of hand or come to an end in a fashion similar to a car crash. I have alienated people by providing them with unfaltering attention and care only to burn myself out and lash out. Or just completely disappear with no explanation due to a sense of deep burning anger and frustration.

I have been irrational and I still am, but I am getting better at noticing what I can handle and what I have to put my foot down to and say no to, for my own good.

If you have made a similar difficult decision which has caused you grief and so much angst and pain I applaud you, you should be so proud of sticking up for yourself and putting your needs first.

It’s all very well being there for other people and of course if you care deeply for someone you will want to do everything in your power to be their light in the darkness. I say this was my naivety that led me to put ex partner’s and old friend’s needs and problems before my own. I tried to make myself some sort of modern day Mother Theresa, dragging all these people out of the dark times in their lives. But when you are left alone and the air is quiet. Your problems you’ve stacked up on high shelves whilst you run around after other people come clattering down. The nails you hammered in to stick them into the wall come loose and you’re left with a mess of your own to clear up, and sometimes this has left me feeling even lonelier because I have felt people aren’t there for me when I have sacrificed myself to be there for them; you end up resenting them. And this I have realised is SO UNHEALTHY.

This Morning

So today I have felt especially bad. One of those mornings when you wake up and the world just feels like it is so heavy and too much to bear. I tried to speak to my mum about how I was feeling, and I realised I feel this great sense of guilt speaking to her about my mental health. I find it really hard not to be ashamed and weak of not being able to cope like an adult with living a ‘normal’ life.

What is a normal life though? We create this idea in our heads that everyone else has their shit together and they’re happy; why can’t I just be simple and find things as easy as that? I find it hard to believe that some of my work friends can just turn up to a job which has made me feel so mentally weak at times and cope with it entirely. Then I am there struggling to even just get out of bed in the mornings for it. There is one positive- I have found myself a new job, in a role which will give me a sense of fulfilment as I will be helping people, but in a way which hopefully won’t burn me out or make me put my problems aside.

The difference I think will be that I know the boundaries, I can literally only communicate with these people who need my help during set hours in the week. I have started to realise in my own personal life also that you cannot change someone else, or make them feel better by doing everything for them. If someone doesn’t want to change then nothing you do will make a difference. I know this because I have been stuck in cycles of repetitive events and behaviour and I have taken steps to try and understand these. This involved me being brave enough to reach out at my lowest point earlier this year, and seek therapy in the form of counselling.

I felt so lost and stuck in all these thoughts and behaviours and I still feel so trapped at times. But it really helps to have an outsider’s perspective, not so much in my counsellor giving me her opinion but just having someone I can objectively explain things to, who can relay it back to me in a matter-of-fact way, giving me the chance to process it more clearly. I don’t think I would be making progress like I am if I had tried to fight this battle alone.

Learning to be kind to yourself

I am learning to set boundaries before things become chaotic. Knowing you need time out to re-gather yourself when you’re feeling burned out is so important. I have felt wrecked with anxiety this morning so much that I keep bursting into tears. I have had little to no appetite for weeks and when I have eaten I have felt sick halfway through. I haven’t had enough sleep and it has taken its toll on me. I have rushed about what with it being my birthday and done too much. I’ve loved seeing all my friends but I now just need some time to rest.

I also put things to bed with my ex a few weeks ago, which has really dispelled some of the anxiety I have been feeling. I no longer feel a panic grabbing at my chest when I walk around in public, worrying that I am about to bump into him and that he or his friends hate me. This was heightened by the fact I hate wearing my glasses and so I keep thinking when I am in public that I have seen him, only to put on my glasses and realise I have not! It sounds pathetic especially with it having been so long since our breakup, but I have really struggled with feelings of anxiety since. Social media is a curse when you go through a breakup; it is so easy to share only a piece of a story in as few as 140 characters (or is it more on twitter now???) or post on Instagram thinking ‘I wonder if they’ve seen this and how well I look like I am doing?’ when the reality of things is far from it.

I have been coping with grief for my Granddad alongside everything, which always resurfaces at the strangest of times when I feel like I’ve moved past it. I have also been trying to deal with other mentally unwell family members who I feel lost in how to help. This year has really tested everything I was.

I feel like I should be ending this blog with a positive message but you know what? Sometimes things do not need a positive spin. Sometimes it’s bloody okay to not be okay!!! It’s healthier to accept and understand how you’re feeling than try to bury it because even if you do for awhile, left unresolved it will always re-emerge. If you have attempted to understand where it comes from then you will be better equipped to have strategies in place the next time it crops up.

TRIGGER WARNING- mention of suicide.

Happy Place

I have just started listening on Spotify to ‘Happy Place’, a podcast show by Ferne Cotton in which she speaks with people from all walks of life including celebrities. One podcast involved speaking with Poorna Bell, whose husband committed suicide a few years ago, and her experience of living with someone with depression which they intermittently masked before taking their own life. However horrific her story was, it felt comforting to hear someone else talk so openly about all the emotions they felt, particularly before her husband committed suicide. The feelings of angst and frustration mixed with the love she still had for him, and how that was something I could relate to in the past in relationships and with my family problems, that I can still relate to. I would recommend listening to the entire two series I have thoroughly enjoyed them, and found when I am feeling anxious I can pop my headphones in and just focus on a conversation about someone other than myself and my issues.

Thank you for reading, and please if anything I have said has affected you in any way, speak to a loved one or if that feels difficult, contact your local Samaritans at 116 123 its free to do so x

Depressed and Well-Dressed Blog #4

Blog 4- Embracing Change

I should be proud of me. Although I don’t feel like it, I should. People make mistakes, I have made some huge errors and behaved in ways I am really not proud of in the past, but I recognise these unhealthy patterns and thoughts and I am trying to change. Some things have been bringing me down recently.

I recently found some old text conversations between me and an ex boyfriend, and I was in shock at how horrible I was. The messages made me ashamed at my reaction to an argument and it instantly made me hate myself. My reaction, as my friend reassured me, is only the very tip of the iceberg. So yes, maybe what I said was 100% out of line and I was being selfish and mean, but what had led to this outburst?

It is very easy to take behaviours and words we say at face value and not look at their deeper meaning. It is so unbelievably easy to jump to conclusions and think, no it was all the other person being the problem or maybe even believing I am solely to blame for all the issues in what was an unhealthy relationship.

But that’s never really the reality.

We all have our reasons for doing things which we may look back on and regret. And it is important that we simply accept that our actions are a result of many obstacles and variables and not just simply- I reacted that way because I’m a bitch.

I was out of order in some aspects, I have a habit of letting things slide that bother me. I am an expert at bottling it up to keep the peace, then when it all becomes too much one small thing sends me over the edge, I end up looking like a ‘psycho’ because I am overreacting about one minor inconvenience.

If I could apologise and it not open a can of worms which should be left alone then I would. Things went on for way too long, and it was a stupid decision to allow it to continue.

I have left this relationship struggling to like myself. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression a lot more and with my current job, I am struggling to find my place and purpose in the world.

Maybe being in a relationship gave me some sort of sense of purpose? That I was needed by another individual and that fulfilled me, but things became sour and I was left feeling unhappy in the end. There comes a point when you have to put your foot down and say enough is enough, I have to do what is right for me. And I do blame myself for not being more clear and accepting too much because I felt deeply for this person. I am still learning my own worth, and I have to thank my ex for teaching me that I am worth more than I credit myself, even if it’s been one of toughest choices I have had to make. I have to look after myself now, and work out who I am and what I want to do now I have graduated, and who do I want to be?

What I am learning to accept is it doesn’t matter if past me screwed up and the things I’ve done/people I have hurt- if I can learn from it and grow as a person then I can turn these negative experiences into a positive outcome. I can better myself.

Its Not Always Easy to Simply Be Better

At the moment I feel incredibly lonely. The worst part is feeling like nobody would honestly miss you if you disappeared from their life. This is something I have struggled with on and off every week for the best part of six months. It is exhausting being awake when I feel like this. I have lost enjoyment in so many things I used to love; a lot of things just don’t bring me pleasure anymore. It sounds pathetic, but my brain is telling me that I am not worthy of love, I am not deserving of nice things or happiness. And what can you do when your own mind is telling you to give up?

Realizing that things which used to work for me as a student no longer serve me a useful purpose as a graduate is tough. I can’t simply go out every other night like I used to, because I have to work to survive now. I can’t just quit a job I hate, because I wouldn’t be able to afford to live. I can’t go spend time with my friends because they’re spread across the country and I simply have no time anymore. I feel so trapped living a life that I don’t want for myself, I want to do more and make a difference, but my mind is telling me that this is as much as I deserve. I am at war in my own head.

To the part I have kept saying I would include- mental health apps:

To finish on a more positive note, I did find a good app with some podcasts on it. I would recommend ‘Sanity & Self’, an app designed to give you advice on how to cope with everything from mental health, sex, healing from breakups, to getting what you want from a job. One of the podcasts I listened to was called ‘How to Not Give A Fuck’, and attitude I am trying to work on!! It is an app mainly for women, but some of the content is definitely relatable to others too. The only downside would be that without paying for a monthly subscription, you get very few free podcasts. Being a poor graduate working in a minimum wage job, I simply can’t afford to subscribe alongside Netflix, Amazon Video and my rarely used gym membership!

My mentality this year-

Anyway, that’s all for now, if you have any recommendations for other apps for me to try leave a comment for me. Thanks for reading.

Depressed And Well-Dressed #3

Getting real with myself.

Post University Depression

I am growing every day. I will succeed and I will get to where I want to be. The first step to achieving your goals and progressing onwards to positive things is to recognize the toxic parts of your environment and yourself.

This process is something I’m only barely beginning to understand after four/five years of living by myself away from home.

It’s not easy, having to address those pieces of yourself which you hate. Nobody wants to focus time and energy into the parts of yourself which make you unhappy. But one of the biggest lessons I’m beginning to come to terms with is at the end of the day only I can affect me and my future. I can choose who I let into my life, what I do with my life and how far I can go.

I often find that I have all these great plans of where I would love to be tomorrow, in a month or even a year’s time.

Part of my depression which I’m feeling at the moment comes from expecting too much too soon. Nobody talks enough about post-university depression- it is real, and according to a recent study in the UK, 49% of graduates suffer with it. Why isn’t there more help in place for people in my position? Because it is totally normal to not do something straight away with your degree- you finish working your ass off and for what? £50k of debt, three years of alcohol abuse, and a degree which you can’t use because you don’t have enough life experience!

It is learning to slow down which has been a challenge for me. Now without the distractions of university, etc I’ve been left with a clean slate to make something of myself. But how do you know who you want to be if you don’t know who you even are?

I am starting to admit to myself that I have used nights out and drinking as a way of escaping my situation as I think most students tend to. I am trying my hardest to cut back on this! But when you’re feeling lonely and someone wants to go out it’s either be alone at home feeling sorry for yourself or go out and socialise.

When university finishes you lose your second family. It’s a very isolating time and I have really struggled with not having my support network of friends there with me, I really feel grateful however to have met such an amazing group of people and be lucky to call them my lifelong friends.

The big question I’m asking myself is~

What do other people actually do with the time they’re not drinking, making a fool of themselves and suffering in bed with a hangover the next day?

For me the main reason apart from obviously avoiding hangovers for slowing down on nights out is to help me cope. Alcohol is a known depressant and now I have no uni work to do and a job where I don’t get the chance to really progress or use my brain leaves me feeling disappointed in how my life is going. For the last ten years of my life I have been in education and studying, working my brain and learning. Now I just feel like I’m drinking to forget and I’m not stimulated.

Naturally your thoughts start to wander to places you would rather they didn’t go to- you invest in other activities or peoples drama.

Alcohol has affected my grades, my friendships, relationships and financially too.

I am the problem.

I’m starting to realise you can’t run from your problems, especially when you are your own problem.

I haven’t been the best version of myself, I’ve hurt some people and pushed away others and it can be hard not to hate yourself when you know you’ve messed up.

So I’m drinking less, cutting toxic ties to people who I once thought were good for me, I’m clearing my life of all negativity and starting afresh. Of course this comes with its own drama and trauma but it’ll be worth it in the end is what I keep telling myself.

And I’ve been learning new things about myself- I am changing. Whilst dealing with a messy breakup, my poor Granddad passing away, family issues, having been sick with mumps and losing half of my friends to graduating, I’m beginning to come out the other side. I’ve learned what a strong fucking individual I am- I’ve dealt with all of this and yet I am still here fighting.

I am trying to be kinder to myself. At the end of the day you and only you have your own back first and foremost. It’s not easy though- there are times where I do slip up, where I will go out drinking or I’ll say something I later regret. I’m only young, and it is okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. For example, a breakup teaches you what you do and don’t want in a relationship and doing a job you sometimes don’t enjoy tells you what you do and don’t need out of a job.

I am fed up of feeling extremely low when I drink, not just when I drink too much but feeling like there is no point for days after. I have to remind myself that my depression and anxiety do not make me who I am.

I will be okay- it’s just going to take time.

What I want whoever is reading this to take away is that it’s okay not to be okay. (Classic mental health phrase there lol) but give yourself a break! You’ve made it this far, and if you’re feeling down you are allowed to express it. As long as you don’t to the extent it takes over your life. Make yourself happy first before anyone else- and even the mistakes you make will serve as life lessons which will shape you into the person you are meant to be. Don’t hold onto anything that doesn’t make you happy. Look after yourself.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Sorry if this was dull to read, but I felt like I needed to get honest with myself by writing this. It’s a big step for me to post this and I’d appreciate any advice or feedback. Hope it’s not too cringey. If anyone has any advice on how to get into mental health work or even an app that’s helped their mental health previously I would love to know.

Depressed And Well-Dressed ~ #2

Intro

Going from what I discussed with you last time I had the idea that what I would like to be the outcome of writing Depressed And Well Dressed is that somebody feeling depressed or anxious can possibly relate to some of my own stories of mental illness and realise they are not alone and not the only person whose experienced it, and that it can get better. And that most importantly depression, anxiety etc are just that- illnesses. Just because a person acts a certain way or thinks certain thoughts does not mean they are inherently good or bad, it is the action which is good or bad and mental illness can sometimes have a strange effect on what we think, say or do.

Obviously there are limits to this line of thought- and if someone else’s mental health begins to affect yours then it is probably time to take a step back. Learning to live and maintain a healthy psyche is all about being kind first and foremost to yourself.

If you think of when we go abroad on holiday, when the stewards stand in the aisle and show you where the exits are, how to inflate your life jacket and start your oxygen mask, they tell you to always fit your own mask before attempting to help others. Without making too much of a leap what I’m trying to say is within day to day life we should aim for a similar perspective. How much help would you be on a plane without oxygen to anyone if you didn’t start by giving yourself a flow of oxygen? So ask yourself- how much help can you really give someone who is suffering if you yourself are fatally suffering?

Enough with the cheesy metaphors- promise~

A lesson I’ve found probably one of the hardest to learn in recent times is that if you are struggling, other people cannot always be there for you to support you. There is only so much your friends can actually do for you. Everyone has their own problems in life and what depression can do is take away the rational ability to see that just because someone has left you on read or hasn’t replied to your message but been active on social media or even cancelled plans with you doesn’t mean they don’t care. It certainly doesn’t mean that you are not worthy of love and support. You cannot be of use to help someone through mental illness if your own mental wellbeing suffers alongside. I’ve learned this lesson myself in the hardest possible way, and it goes to show that it does not matter how much you give to another person who is suffering, how much you sacrifice for them, it is not your duty to protect their mental health. You can be there for someone as a friend, family member, boyfriend/girlfriend and sharing problems is healthy but if it begins to affect you long term then you should not feel obligated to stay and let yourself be exhausted.

The Other Side

From the other side- having been both the person giving support to someone and being the person craving that constant support it is difficult from both perspectives.

You feel incredibly isolated as it is and I can recall not wanting to leave my bed to socialise or avoiding going out with friends because I felt that they did not care for me. You never know what is going on inside someone else’s life, but depression tells you that it is something you have done, and that people just tolerate you and don’t actually want to hang out with you. That just makes you isolate yourself even more, and sometimes people around you might pull away when you begin to which just perpetuates these feelings. Sometimes your friends may reach out to help you, but the way you feel can serve to push them away which in turn leads into a self perpetuating cycle of you then believing even more than people do not want to be your friend and thus you can become more depressed.

Catastrophising

Aaron Beck, a famous psychologist in 1976 mentioned that depressed people tend to have a cognitive bias- that is a skewed opinion of themselves, the world around them and what the future entails. A few types of these cognitive biases include black and white thinking (i.e. thinking everything is either right or wrong) and over generalising such as making a sweeping statement about all occasions based on one negative outcome; For example- thinking that because one relationship ended with cheating, all future relationships will.

A third type of cognitive bias is called catastrophising. This is something which is commonly found in the build up to panic attacks where you believe almost absurdly that one setback is catastrophic to your future and everything has been ruined.

Catastrophising is a form of thinking I often recognize in my own head and it’s so frustrating to notice when you’re doing it but have absolutely no clue how to switch it off. If anyone has any suggestions please leave them below for me!!

I often turn one small minor detail into a whole shit-storm of anxiety because I over think, to the point where the feelings of dread I feel outweigh any of my rational thoughts about the unhealthy way my brain is processing things. Sometimes I’ve found this to be the beginning of a panic attack and if only I knew how to break the cycle I would.

I’ve found in the past that distracting yourself by calling a friend often helps me. However because of how depressed I’ve been feeling in the past few months I don’t a lot of the time feel that I can reach out to people by calling them. What I’d say is by talking to my friends and explaining how I’m feeling I have found people to be a lot more understanding than my mentally ill brain allows me to think!

If anyone else has any coping methods for dealing with catastrophising and overthinking please leave a comment- I often find as well that walks somewhere with nature where it is quiet, or being around animals helps to distract me.

Thanks for reading!

I hope this wasn’t too cringey to read- please let me know if there’s anything to be improved on. I’m thinking of starting a section where I’ll try out different types of mindfulness apps and reviewing how I found them- if that’s something you would be interested in me doing please leave me a comment!