Blog 6 – Looking back isn’t always healthy.
How Things Are
It’s been a few months since my last blog post and there are a few reasons for that. Number one I’ve sort of taken a break from a lot of things recently. I’ve been on a break from modelling since November and it feels good to just feel like you’ve got control over a part of your life which can sometimes get away from you. I love modelling and meeting people and getting to wear the clothes etc, but I find it really hard not to compare myself to other models. Models who are signed who are younger than me, models who have built their own business and influence in half the time I’ve even been modelling. Even small things you think wouldn’t affect you like a company you modelled with ghosting you when you can’t organise a time have affected me quite a bit.
But I am trying to remember there is no point burning yourself out for something which you do for fun!
As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters
I’m currently in the middle of a bad hangover (shock) and feeling a bit sorry for myself. So after my show I was watching finished my room fell silent and I put my phone down and your mind then can start to wander.
Usually the world is so noisy and I add to the noise and keep my head busy to drown out things that I might feel. This is no way to live though because as soon as you stop for a moment whether that be in the name of self care, illness or a hangover, everything comes back to haunt you. If you don’t begin to change things it is very easy to fall into the trap and sometimes I end up in bed depressed, thirsty or hungry but lacking in motivation to move.
I am really good at beating myself up about things especially when hungover and feeling like a slob, on a Sunday evening before work starts again tomorrow (classic Sunday vibes).
But I am trying to remind myself that I am only human and as long as I am trying my hardest and being kind to myself then I needn’t try to impress anyone else if it doesn’t make me happy. Some problems I used to lament in 2018 and 2019 have withered into insignificance. I might find myself reading back through my notes or looking at drafted blog entries from darker times in my life and find that I reopen the box of feelings I felt at the time. Or I can read about a problem I was facing and think ‘how did you not see the solution you idiot?’ when it appears to be clear as day.
2020- The year of being happier
So as we’ve come into 2020 I will have so many things happen in the next ten years. I can safely say that things at the moment are better. I am better than I was in 2019 and I will try my hardest to not listen to the little voice in my head in those moments of quiet which can whisper ‘you’re not worth it’ , luckily I have found myself blessed with a few people I feel I can reach out to if I am feeling low. I try to treat myself as they treat me. So it is important to surround yourself with people who make you feel good for this reason.
My main concerns at the moment seem to be around doing a good job in my new role at work, I have a lot more responsibility in my job and it’s important to me that I keep on the ball with things. Also after Christmas I have found that I’ve gained some winter weight (don’t we all) and I keep mentally saying really unkind things to myself. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up but it can be hard especially when my Instagram is littered with girls with perfect bodies. I am worried if I try to go back to modelling it will affect my opportunities and self worth too. This is one area where I am trying hard not to look back, at photos where I was skinny and maybe more attractive or where I had bigger boobs from the pill but mentally I was going through so much turmoil. A picture can’t show you what a person is really feeling or experiencing. The hundreds of photographs with friends on nights out where mentally I was feeling like shit will testify to that.
I am also worried about being in a relationship in a way. It’s fun and exciting and I have never known someone to treat me so well or that has made me feel things so early on. I think that this is the scary bit. I don’t want to mess it up.
Going back to not focusing on the past too often, I uncovered a poem I had written back in November. I was going through a dark time and I wrote it as a release from my state of depression.
I’ve toyed with the thought of sharing it on my blog for quite some time. But I think it would be more beneficial to share it. For my sake and for that of others perhaps? It would help me to know that I had made sense of depression at its worst and explain how it can sometimes make me feel.
NOTE: TRIGGER WARNING– this poem is about depressive thoughts and cycles I sometimes enter during this time. I want to make it clear that I am in no danger in any way even given the content of the poem, I was in a rough place and thankfully it is somewhere I seldom visit anymore. I will put that it shouldn’t be viewed if you are feeling depressed, suicidal or if you feel it will upset you.
Empty rooms and quiet hours
A ringing in my ear
Left alone with my thoughts
That I cannot overpower.
Bleak and dreary like a winters day
Chilly and a painful sharpness
Like a knife made of ice
Piercing my chest where I lay.
A blackness darker than the depths of the sea
Sweeping up to my spine from the chest
Enveloping me entirely.
Loathing and acceptance overwhelmingly
Why are you here?
What is your purpose supposed to be?
You’re not good enough for X Y or Z
You weren’t enough for any of them and you’re not even adequate to me.
None of the people whomst you hold so dear
So much as would glance your way if you disappeared.
Oh so you thought you were better?
You thought it was time to see?
You were mistaken.
You’re always wrong.
And now here he stands
Back to wail his song,
Claims his place where he belongs.
Sitting in your chest like a coiled up spring
It begins to unfold and eat you up from within.
But what do you have to be depressed about?
She’s got a job,
A loving family who would do anything for her.
Some people don’t even have that
Ungrateful and selfish that’s what she is.
Makes everything up
She’s taking the piss.
Looking for attention
That’s what they say
Well I wonder if things went south
If they would change their ways.
Life could be worse.
Is this a way to live?
Without thriving without learning,
With nothing to give.
So it returns
Like a black ball of coal nestled in the centre of the chest.
There’s no shaking him off this time,
No games or test.
The inkiness like the night sky
Enveloping the stars in its murky veil.
You can’t just throw a diagnosis about
Didn’t they teach you that in your degree?
That one you fucked around with
Thanks to late nights and anxiety.
You’re just an attention seeker
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You know this will affect your job record.
You’ve fucked that up too.
What really is the purpose of you?
Why are you crying?
Your tears are pointless,
I thought you were supposed to be numb?
And you call yourself fearless.
Sometimes, it can be healthy to look back at how you felt. I feel it is useful to remind you of how far you have come. When it begins to affect your present and subsequently your future self this is when it enters into useless behaviour. You begin lamenting a person you are not anymore or how you could have done things differently. All you can do is try to be better. So throw away those unimportant items you might have kept for sentiments sake, delete the photographs and clear your notes on your phone.
If anyone has been affected by anything I have talked about or the poem itself please contact the Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK, or please check this list from Mind of hotlines who are contactable-