Blog 4- Embracing Change
I should be proud of me. Although I don’t feel like it, I should. People make mistakes, I have made some huge errors and behaved in ways I am really not proud of in the past, but I recognise these unhealthy patterns and thoughts and I am trying to change. Some things have been bringing me down recently.
I recently found some old text conversations between me and an ex boyfriend, and I was in shock at how horrible I was. The messages made me ashamed at my reaction to an argument and it instantly made me hate myself. My reaction, as my friend reassured me, is only the very tip of the iceberg. So yes, maybe what I said was 100% out of line and I was being selfish and mean, but what had led to this outburst?
It is very easy to take behaviours and words we say at face value and not look at their deeper meaning. It is so unbelievably easy to jump to conclusions and think, no it was all the other person being the problem or maybe even believing I am solely to blame for all the issues in what was an unhealthy relationship.
But that’s never really the reality.
We all have our reasons for doing things which we may look back on and regret. And it is important that we simply accept that our actions are a result of many obstacles and variables and not just simply- I reacted that way because I’m a bitch.
I was out of order in some aspects, I have a habit of letting things slide that bother me. I am an expert at bottling it up to keep the peace, then when it all becomes too much one small thing sends me over the edge, I end up looking like a ‘psycho’ because I am overreacting about one minor inconvenience.
If I could apologise and it not open a can of worms which should be left alone then I would. Things went on for way too long, and it was a stupid decision to allow it to continue.
I have left this relationship struggling to like myself. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression a lot more and with my current job, I am struggling to find my place and purpose in the world.
Maybe being in a relationship gave me some sort of sense of purpose? That I was needed by another individual and that fulfilled me, but things became sour and I was left feeling unhappy in the end. There comes a point when you have to put your foot down and say enough is enough, I have to do what is right for me. And I do blame myself for not being more clear and accepting too much because I felt deeply for this person. I am still learning my own worth, and I have to thank my ex for teaching me that I am worth more than I credit myself, even if it’s been one of toughest choices I have had to make. I have to look after myself now, and work out who I am and what I want to do now I have graduated, and who do I want to be?
What I am learning to accept is it doesn’t matter if past me screwed up and the things I’ve done/people I have hurt- if I can learn from it and grow as a person then I can turn these negative experiences into a positive outcome. I can better myself.
Its Not Always Easy to Simply Be Better
At the moment I feel incredibly lonely. The worst part is feeling like nobody would honestly miss you if you disappeared from their life. This is something I have struggled with on and off every week for the best part of six months. It is exhausting being awake when I feel like this. I have lost enjoyment in so many things I used to love; a lot of things just don’t bring me pleasure anymore. It sounds pathetic, but my brain is telling me that I am not worthy of love, I am not deserving of nice things or happiness. And what can you do when your own mind is telling you to give up?
Realizing that things which used to work for me as a student no longer serve me a useful purpose as a graduate is tough. I can’t simply go out every other night like I used to, because I have to work to survive now. I can’t just quit a job I hate, because I wouldn’t be able to afford to live. I can’t go spend time with my friends because they’re spread across the country and I simply have no time anymore. I feel so trapped living a life that I don’t want for myself, I want to do more and make a difference, but my mind is telling me that this is as much as I deserve. I am at war in my own head.
To the part I have kept saying I would include- mental health apps:
To finish on a more positive note, I did find a good app with some podcasts on it. I would recommend ‘Sanity & Self’, an app designed to give you advice on how to cope with everything from mental health, sex, healing from breakups, to getting what you want from a job. One of the podcasts I listened to was called ‘How to Not Give A Fuck’, and attitude I am trying to work on!! It is an app mainly for women, but some of the content is definitely relatable to others too. The only downside would be that without paying for a monthly subscription, you get very few free podcasts. Being a poor graduate working in a minimum wage job, I simply can’t afford to subscribe alongside Netflix, Amazon Video and my rarely used gym membership!
My mentality this year-
Anyway, that’s all for now, if you have any recommendations for other apps for me to try leave a comment for me. Thanks for reading.