Quarantine and Mental Health
I’m going to start by saying there are some tough topics I cover here – so if you are in anyway feeling depressed or suicidal or anxious, please come back and read this at a better time for you. You can also speak to a trained mental health volunteer by texting SHOUT to 85258 (if you’re in the UK).
Best wishes to everyone at this current time of uncertainty, and praying that everyone’s family, friends and loved ones are safe. It has been ages since I wrote a blog I will admit. I have to be honest -I lost the motivation to write for a long time. It was probably a mix of a stressful new job and learning the ropes, alongside suffering with anxiety and ultimately, I felt as if I was no longer writing this blog for my own benefit, and thanks to the curse that is social media I felt as if I would be judged by what I said here and there was some expectations for me to fulfil.
I’ve largely remained unmotivated to write at all ever since coming to this realisation. Me not writing and posting it is important to note, is no indication of my mental health or how I have been managing. It certainly doesn’t mean I am ‘fixed’ and no longer depressed. I would say I am no longer clinically depressed for the time being. However I still have up and down periods, with the current situation the feelings of hopelessness that come with depression have been amplified.
In some ways though, I have felt a sense of calm. The expectations laid upon me by society and myself have been relaxed and forgotten for the time being. I have been off work for two weeks with suspected coronavirus, which was nasty for awhile but I have recovered and it has been ten or so days since I showed any symptoms, and unlike the news that’s out there I am feeling better physically.
CORONAVIRUS *in Cardi-B’s voice*
Something very strange happened whilst I was ill. I had a slight fever which was not even recordable for a couple of days but was enough to get me sent home from work. I felt full of anxiety during this time, I could barely sit in bed without feeling like the guilt was going to eat me up. I felt guilty and like everyone around me felt I was being a hypochondriac, trying to get time off like some sort of skiver. This was really not the case. This mindset lasted until three days prior to my initial symptoms. I decided to clean my bathroom with bleach as I couldn’t sit around feeling anxious all the time. After I had done this I found that my chest was tight and I’d developed a cough and generally felt unwell. Putting it down to bleach inhalation I then spent the next 24 hours attacking myself internally about what an idiot I had been to do that. However, after reaching a stage where I felt too unwell to leave bed, and had to sleep proper up with a hot water bottle on my chest; my chest was tight and painful constantly, and I was stressed I would stop breathing if I slept lying down- my anxiety seemed to dissipate about what others thought of me! What really escalated the issue was the major anxiety I’m dealing with. Anxiety can make me feel breathless and overly in tune to my body’s sensations as it is, let alone with having pain whilst breathing too!
But what is super unhealthy about this is I was almost willing myself to feel sicker in the initial days, so that my guilt and anxiety about what others and I thought of me would dissipate. And it actually largely did once I was really sick.
Two weeks on, and I am feeling much better. I have had the opportunity to sleep a lot which has certainly helped speed my recovery. I’ve spent time sunbathing and rediscovering what I actually did before responsibilities of adult life- I’ve spent time doing home workouts, listening to music I’d forgot existed, sketching and reading. Whilst my usually overactive mind is racing with things to be done I had no need to complete anything. It’s taught me that its okay to be bored occasionally, and your brain sometimes needs a bit of time to just be! I guess this is the reason Mindfulness has become so popular, as it is a disguised form of boredom which makes people feel as if they’re being productive and looking after themselves. It feels like another achievement to tick off your list for the day of things done. Sitting and doing nothing possibly outside if you have access to a garden or a nice view out a window with just some music or in silence works just as well or at least this is what I have found.
My concerns don’t stop there~
I realised that since I have come down with three serious-ish diseases in the past 12 months, maybe there is more I could do to help my body? I know that I punish myself sometimes. And I know I am doing it, and sickeningly it almost makes me feel better. Sometimes I will punish myself in my head if I want to eat something unhealthy until I feel so down and depressed I will binge eat unhealthy food. Then I will try compromise by rationing my portion the next day and say horrible totally untrue things in my head about how my boyfriend wont love me if I’m fat, or how I wonder why I never get scouted to model by agencies. This behaviour worries me greatly.
This is just part of daily life so much that I don’t really notice that I do these things. With the current climate and quarantine effectively having been a month long for myself, and separated from most of my loved ones I have found what I eat to be one method to control some aspect of my life, when it feels as if so many others have been taken away from me. I feel this is concerning behaviour I’m displaying.
Anxiety and stress has been shown to affect your immune system. Your lymphocyte function is correlated with stress and depression levels, therefore affecting your antibodies that are produced and reducing their efficacy (Leonard & Song, 1996). This means you are more at risk to facing diseases and illnesses and being more unwell with them. I know I struggle to fight off illnesses sometimes, and they tend to have a greater effect on me than a lot of people my age. I believed this to be due to alcohol consumption, but since I have been on medication for anxiety (leaving me unable to drink really at all) it leaves me looking for other explanations.
It’s okay to be unhappy (sometimes)
A month or so ago, my anxiety had reached an all-time high. I couldn’t wake up in the morning without feeling a dry throat and an incoming headache. I felt like I could barely get out of bed as I was shattered, let alone spend all day at work mixing with people and doing a good job, and learning a whole new profession at the same time. It’s safe to say most of my mental health issues are triggered by some major change in my life whether it positive or negative. My social anxiety has been pretty bad recently which I find hard to understand as I am usually an outgoing person who you’ll struggle to shut up. I felt myself starting to distance from my new friends at work as I couldn’t understand how they appeared to be handling everything so well with no hiccups. I began to have internal thoughts where I would see them as meeting up without me as them secretly hating me and this led me to put up my walls and back away. Doing this instead of just talking to them about how I was feeling led me to feel even more isolated.
Part Two of my concerns (oops)~
I’ve felt as if I have been putting a hell of a lot of pressure onto my boyfriend lately. I am so grateful for his help when I have rough times especially since the unlucky bugger has only been with me four months! I am really struggling to let go of previous unhealthy relationship habits which seem to try to come out of the woodwork whenever there’s conflict. I guess it is just unlearning things which you used as a defence mechanism as they no longer serve a purpose. It will probably take me some more time, as I feel very confused about how to behave in a relationship just because of my life having changed so dramatically with my new career.
I feel pressure to try and be more cheerful; it is not something my boyfriend even asks of me or ever would, my head tells me he is going to leave me if I don’t be there emotionally for him as he has for me. Or if I don’t just cheer up for once and be positive. I’m scared of pushing him away with my worries. My head also tells me I need to give him space to deal with his own issues and cope with quarantine and not interfere or push my problems onto him. These are two hugely conflicting thoughts to have, and this is probably why I am so confused as of how to act. I’ve found myself either reaching to him when I can’t cope or distancing myself and not speaking. I worry a lot about how to behave, I think it is because I have never been in a relationship where there are no games to be played, and we find it easy to be honest with one another. It a bizarre concept to me to find myself, and my brain doesn’t know what to do now my previous methods of behaviour no longer suffice.
This type of love feels more peaceful. I feel as if I can count on him to be there for me and we can be honest. I say this without any malice or bitterness to my previous boyfriends or without an air of expectation for my current boyfriend to hold himself to. I’m simply stating that I feel as if this type of love ultimately brings me more happiness and once I have gotten to grips with my new job, I feel like I will be a lot more confident. It’s been a month since we saw each other with us being separately quarantined, so I must be doing something right for him to still be interested!!
Too Tired to be Crazy
I listened to a great podcast today which inspired me to write once again. It was called ‘Too Tired to be Crazy’ with Violet Benson. If you have an iPhone, it is available on the Podcast app thats pre-downloaded on your phone! (And it’s freeeeee). The episode which inspired me was number 20- entitled ‘I Don’t Wanna Be Sad Anymore’. Violet talked about how she has been feeling depressed recently. She looked back on the way she felt a few years back when she was clinically depressed. She read a very poignant poem which she wrote at that time, which brought tears to my eyes. It was very touching but the main reason I cried upon hearing it was because I could relate to it in so many ways and this both scared and shocked me. Hearing her having written some of the thoughts which have too often floated around my head and reading them as her own experience made me feel less alone. It allowed me to do what someone who is mentally ill is always convinced to try and do- to try and think about how you would feel if your friend came to you, saying the unkind things your own brain says to you but they were saying it about themselves. You would be horrified to hear them say they woke up some mornings wanting to not exist, but why am I always totally fine with saying that to myself within the confines of my own head???
For Now
There is nothing shameful about speaking out. And if you feel that you don’t want to talk to friends and family about what you are going through, it can be easier to speak to a stranger. Put yourself on a waiting list for a counsellor or like I have done- for an IAPT worker so I can access CBT when it is my turn. Alternatively for need in a crisis, the Samaritans are contactable or SHOUT whose number features at the very top of my blog post. If your life is in danger, please dial 999.
For now, I am on Propanolol, which has helped with the symptoms of anxiety which lead to a flare up. I feel calmer and I am no longer able to react to a fast beating heart or shortness of breath with a sense of urgency, therefore stopping my catastrophising mind in its tracks. This largely prevents a panic attack. The next step will be changing my outlook, medication is only a short term solution for me. I am determined to be able to manage without it, but there is no shame in needing to be on medication. I am proud of myself for seeking the help that I so clearly need, and for being honest enough to hold my hands up and say actually, you know what I’m not doing okay. I’m not coping. That is one of the strongest things I believe I’ve ever done.
Thanks for reading, and I will try and make my updates more regular. 🙂 Stay safe everyone xo
Depressed and Well-Dressed 