Blog 8!
2020 UPDATE-
It has been awhile since I’ve written on this blog. My new job has been really full on and stressful, I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and think about how I feel or what I want to do.
I’ve been lucky enough to have gotten signed onto sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy at the moment, which are every two weeks. Of course with the current pandemic, these are telephone appointments. I was sceptical at first this would be enough for me to make huge changes in my attitude. However I am slowly beginning to make progress. The main reason I sought CBT was because of the unhealthy and frankly disturbing negative automatic thoughts I seem to have on a daily basis. I know that it is not normal the minute plans get changed or someone has a disagreement with you for your mind to jump to ‘I should just die’ or ‘I don’t want to be here’ as a response. This in turn was leaving me spiralling into unhealthy behaviours; I’d lie in bed for hours, thirsty, hungry or needing the loo and seldom do anything about it. I’ve been struggling to take care of myself.
I’m still on Propranolol for my anxiety. It seems to have really helped. Whenever I can feel my heart racing or I begin to feel breathless at work I know I can deal with it. I’ve had my dosage changed as the chemists have actually been giving me less of a dosage than is normal for anxiety. However, I tend to avoid taking it too often, as I’ve recently began to feel tired all the time. I’ve also had the added joy of nightmares – just one cheeky side effect of my medication –big woop. There’s only so long you can dream Pennywise is coming to eat you before it leaves you with a fear of clowns so I tend to handle my anxiety without meds as much as I can!
The reason I’ve gotten CBT is that I know that just medication isn’t going to prevent my negative thinking patterns; it will just cover them up until I come off medication. I know that I need medication to help me function whilst transitioning into the new role I have at my new job, which is very high pressure, and requires me to work a variety of day and night shifts. I have been finding work extremely mentally draining recently. I’ve been struggling to take proper care of myself, but I am trying my best.
Listening to people dealing with big things which are affecting their day to day life, or concentrating for 12 hours straight knowing that any decision you make could make a huge difference to the outcome and affect actual peoples’ lives is a lot of responsibility. I feel that I am coping with work, but when I come home or have scheduled time off, I am finding it hard to switch off or do anything that would be of benefit to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel cut out for my role at work. I get triggered sometimes by topics close to my heart.
The last week
I’ve recently been experiencing a dip in my mood over the last couple of days. I drank a bottle of wine and when I woke up the next day I felt the worst mentally that I have in months. I felt empty and numb, and like I just would have rather been asleep than been conscious of anything going on around me. I need to work on my irritability when I’m feeling this way. Because of how uncomfortable I feel I tend to snap at people I love. This in turn makes that person think they have done something wrong and it makes me feel shit.
I made the decision not to go out drinking again last night because of how overwhelmed I am feeling.
Why can I not distinguish between looking after myself and feeling like my mental health is stopping me doing the things I love?
My progress so far
I’ve been learning to keep a diary of negative automatic thoughts that I have, so that these can be challenged. I’ve found out that by doing this when I look at the majority of these thoughts I have, such as ‘I’m a shit friend’ or ‘I’m a bad girlfriend’ or even ‘I’m a bad person’ are not backed by much evidence. I write for and against each one, and talk through them one by one. One positive is that likely thanks to my degree in psychology I’ve been able to recognise that I’m mentally unwell. I know that these thoughts aren’t normal and that I need help. By recognising these thoughts and testing them against the bare facts, it has allowed me to try look at a less negative option than simply ‘I’m an awful human being’.
It’s not easy, it takes time and effort. But that moment where my therapist asked me to write the column for ‘write what are the facts for you being a bad friend’ and I could barely label anything made me feel a lot more at ease. One important thing to do (and it sounds super cheesy) is to imagine what you would say to your friend if they felt this way.
Another tool that has helped, is this list of thinking styles/patterns my therapist has provided me. Whenever I feel myself slipping into one, I read the list and try to see if I am fitting any of the criteria.
A few types include-
Mental filter– We dismiss things in life that don’t fit into a thought we are having in order to strengthen it. We devalue positive information in order to accommodate negative thinking styles. It can lead to people feeling hopeless.
Mind Reading– We assume that we know what other people are thinking, usually about us. (That one is kind of self explanatory).
Shoulds and Musts– Putting yourself own because you are holding yourself to the standards of a person that does not exist. You treat yourself harshly because you don’t do certain tasks and this can cause you to feel depressed. I know I definitely struggle at times with setting myself unrealistic expectations.
Catastrophising– This is one I have discussed previously. I have found previously that it was this style of thinking which triggers me to have a panic attack. Now I am finding it can cause me to feel mentally overwhelmed and send me into a depressive state/episode where I feel unable to cope with any task no matter how minute or basic.
Critical Self– Putting yourself down, self criticism, blaming yourself for events/situations which aren’t entirely in our control.
These are just a handful of unhelpful thinking styles researched by Carol Vivyan, 2009. (See the link for more). I find that from time to time I fit into every one of them. To an extent I think that everyone does. But as everything when looking at mental health, it is when those thoughts begin to cause maladaptive reactions and effect our ability to cope that makes them a problem.
Learning to stop burning the candle at both ends-
I’m finding that my negative thoughts such as ‘I don’t want to be here’ are starting to creep back in, it is distressing but in the same way I feel numb to them. They’re unwanted and I will push them back again. I’m optimistic things will get better. They had completely disappeared for a while, but upon reflecting I believe this was because I have not stopped for months. I am one for burning the candle at both ends, and I often feel low when I have no plans and I am left to my own devices. This is a step back from last year which I will be patient with myself about. I have learned not to allow a relationship to control my happiness a lot better and to still be my own person.
I am working on being ok doing nothing, and having motivation for the things that are important which I am going to strive to work on. I am also working on communication, especially with my boyfriend. How can he be there for me if I don’t explain how I am feeling? He doesn’t need to fix me or make me better, as long as he understands, that is all that matters. He won’t read this but I am really glad to have found someone as great as him. We can both be honest with each other and support one another whilst having our own lives too. It’s mad to think it has only been a year since I matched him and we went on our first date.
One issue which I feel like I had been struggling with was getting back into modelling after being dropped without so much as a word by a brand from modelling for a clothing line last year. They really shook my confidence. I was speaking to a friend and photographer about this as he asked me if I had ever thought about becoming a professional model. I explained the situation and how this encounter had put me off achieving this. And he said something which really resonated with me- Fuck.Them. -Who are they to decide my worth? If they want to drop me then I should be going out there and making them see my worth, what they have let go. I have started to push myself to look for shoots to be a part of again, even if on a free basis it is me gathering my confidence back again.
Whilst it can be easy to give up, there is nothing to gained, I understand this now.
I haven’t got a podcast or an app this time to discuss (I’ve been lazy/busy if that’s a thing). But I can really recommend the technique I have learned in CBT. When you have a negative thought, what are for and against arguments for this? Please remember I have had to have the process explained to me and am going through the steps, so if it seems hard/impossible to do alone then please reach out for help. I’m hoping that the more I follow this process the more I will be able to come to accurate conclusions rather than skewed ones. I believe that is the next step which I will discuss with my therapist during our next session.
Stay safe x
Depressed and Well-Dressed 